प्रकाश और अंधेरे

(Light and Dark)


One does not become enlightened
by imagining figures of light
but by making the darkness conscious
The latter procedure, however
is disagreeable, and therefore not popular

Carl Jung

Finally, the moment I have been looking forward to since I have started planning this adventure: assimilation, adjustment, adaptation, integration, whatever you want to call it….the point where everything just kind of clicks has happened. It is the moment where I feel like I can truly be myself and where my personality and motives are genuinely coming across. There is no longer any hesitation or reluctance to dive into anything. Overall I feel like my energy is in the flow with India’s energy rather than fighting against it.

The week started when Jaimala, Hitesh and I went to a practical exam of sorts at the hotel/restaurant class at Upaanjen. The Upaanjen project might be my favorite project of Vatsalya and it has had tremendous success. At the end of the first cycle, they had 88% of their students successfully placed in jobs. We had a mock lunch, and one of the students cooked us absolutely delicious food that we ordered off a menu. We also had a dessert (compliments of the chef) called gajar ka halwa. It is made with carrots, sugar, raisins, almonds, pistachios, milk and ghee. Sounds weird, but it was so good! Anyways, who knew my experience at Caffe Gelato would come in handy here? After lunch we critiqued the service which was actually really good besides the lack of confidence. It is really amazing what kind of turnaround the students make. In the beginning of training, many of them were pretty broken and had never been told they can actually do something with their lives.

Back at Udayan, I have made some genuine connections with both the children and the staff and am feeling that my thoughts and actions are being well embraced. Bonding with all of the children this past week has been a dynamic experience as each child has shared their own eccentricities with me. When the smaller children come running, it usually implies I am to fulfill my duty to become a tree while they all become monkeys. Hanging out with the older boys, on the contrary, usually includes a full show-and-tell of their favorite actors/actresses/cricket players and pictures from their favorite movie: Doom 2. Being around all of the children has made a world of difference for me. I have said this many times before, and I believe it more and more everyday: kids are kids…no matter where in the world you go and no matter what language they speak. They are all essentially going through the same things, and I can for the most part, always connect with an issue they are going through. Or, it is at least much easier to relate and connect here than it was with the grown men truck drivers as a foreign white girl. Although I still learned a lot, connection was just not happening.

I am also really starting to connect with the staff. I feel like I know what I am doing here, they know what I am doing here, and I am really working in line with their flow. Earlier, I did not comprehend how anything was accomplished as I was seriously confused and agitated by the simple inefficiencies and interruptions, but for the most part, that has passed. The staff at Udayan is very open to all of my ideas, and I could talk to some of them for hours just entranced with new knowledge about the culture. While things work differently, and sometimes I even think ass backwards, I suppose I’m growing accustomed to it.

I was blessed with a very sweet moment on Saturday which actually reminded me of another quote by Emerson, "You cannot see the stars until it gets dark enough." (By the way, at Udayan, which is basically in the middle of nowhere, I can see more stars than I have ever seen in the states as the sky is so clear). Anyways, I had been working on documents and proposals for about 4-5 hours when my eyes basically succumbed to the pixels of the computer screen and I could no longer read. I was becoming frustrated with my own abilities and of course with that, self doubt and the fear of failure creeping in my thoughts led me to a much needed break and an inevitable moment that rinsed those fears away. As soon as I went to take some chai, 5 year old Davika pounced on me, 3 year old Chupnub began playing with my hair and I simultaneously taught five year old Chayneese tic-tac-toe. (He, of course, beat me every time). It’s really wonderful to be blessed with reassurance that my work here may mean something through the small interactions with the children. Whenever I become discouraged by my own misunderstanding of the culture or lack of knowledge about the work I am attempting, I only need to step outside to be reminded that conquering my discomfort is a small price to pay for a potentially large reward which is the honor to be able to serve some phenomenally strong children.

It is important for me to note that the encouragement I received from the moments I can share with the children is truly a blessing. The opportunity to regain assurance and recharge my empowerment is something I have come to value daily as I am continually witnessing the huge negative outcomes of an un-empowered society who does not witness the people their actions or inactions effect. For instance, I recently wrote a proposal for a rural women’s health initiative. I then came to learn, however, that there already is a very well structured rural women’s health initiative in place…by the government. However, like the JJ act, there is some great policy but horrific implementation. The people hired by the government apparently do not care about their job. How can someone who is responsible for the care of pregnant women and the birth of children not care about their job and their impact? According to the staff, their problem is corruption and laziness. I then came to the realization that corruption may work and infect in at least two directions. It can be trickled down from the powerful as greed infects people, or it can be embedded in the apathetic trait of the culture and grow from the roots of society. Both, I believe are present in this case. What makes me cringe though is how the latter is so preventable! If people are taught that their actions in fact make a difference, no matter how small, maybe they will feel more responsible for both their actions and inactions. The lack of innovation, creative problem solving and passion behind their actions is disheartening. For example, is it really the case that transportation is not provided for rural pregnant women from their villages to the health center that was actually built for them? And why? My guess is that no one spelled it out for the employees that they need to provide transportation for women in need of services. But then, why do they not think themselves to provide transportation to pregnant women who cannot drive themselves from the middle of nowhere to the health center? The situation does not end there. They also fail to give the supplemental education adequately that goes along with the health services. But why? Both services are written in the job description! How do the employees not care? This apathy exists everywhere in the world, and I just do not understand why. Some people truly do not believe their presence on earth has anything to do with anything or anyone else so they take a stance of apathy and protect themselves with numbness to many of the largest problems that are sometimes in their own backyard. The only thing I hope I am capable of doing here is empowering a few young people here, or maybe just one, and hope that that action might ripple into something greater. That long tangent, by the way, comes back to the fact that I really feel lucky to get close enough to the people I am affecting for a little daily motivation.

In spite of dealing with a few difficult realizations, I am still very optimistic as I have had a few successes. First, a date is set for next Wednesday for an identity workshop I am planning for those 13 and older. Secondly, I have written 6 proposals for either new projects or restructuring/reorganizing older projects. Many of these proposals involve adding a health curriculum into other projects Vatsalya already has started. I am also currently working on some volunteer scheduling documents and other odd jobs around Udayan. While continuing to work on these things, I am heading to Ajmer tomorrow for a few days, and back to Jaiupr and Udayan for my final week in India. I cannot believe I have already been here for three weeks. However, I am so glad I chose to come here for the amount of time I did. I definitely feel like I am working along the current of Indian culture.

Ah, lastly…if anyone is interested in some gorgeous handcrafted garments, jewelry or other works of artisanship, please check out www.anoothi.org. All of items are handmade by the rural women outside Jaipur, and the proceeds go to the women themselves and Udayan.

Also, if you would like to become a member of the 100$ pledge for Udayan, let me know. It is a commitment to donate 100$ a year to the children’s village. With the economic recession, many of the largest donors have had to pull the plug on their sponsorship. As a result, Vatsalya’s fundraising plans have changed, and they are now attempting to get 500 100$ members in the place of a few large donors. If you would like more information about Vatsalya, check out www.vatsalya.org.

And just for fun, and because I have been reading many quotes lately, I'll just leave some words that have resonated strongly with me this week by Nelson Mendela

Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not or darkness,
that frightens us
We ask ourselves, who am I
to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented
and fabulous?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people will
feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the
glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us;
it is in everyone.
And as we let our light shine.
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.